I'm sitting on my balcony, drinking a cup of coffee, watching the construction workers across the street build a new roof on the neighbour’s house. For the first time in weeks, I have time for this.
I left my job as a professional guardian weeks ago, and apart from small jobs, I am devoting most of my time to yoga and the projects that are coming up. The security that a secure job offers, financially and structurally, is gone. I do not have much money. Granted, for emergencies I could flog a Louis Vuitton bag.
I made a conscious decision to quit my job and just see what new things came my way. I wanted to create space to pay more attention to my desires and dreams and trust that the right thing will come along as soon as there is enough room for it. Some people from my environment could not understand this step, especially in the time of Corona. Especially my grandmother will probably see me knocking on the door of the social welfare office with ragged clothes soon. She can't do much with space for projects and creativity. Understandable, she never had these opportunities.
I, however, have the possibility and freedom to make anything I want out of my life. Well, almost. The journey to the moon I must probably make up, but nevertheless I belong worldwide probably to the less than 1% of all women who have infinite possibilities.
But I admit, it takes courage. Courage to trust that it's worth taking a risk to be able to do what makes me truly happy.
In the same way, it takes courage to let go of certainties, or avoidable certainties. Whether these consist of a job, material security or in relationships with other people, it doesn't matter.
In the past years I have let go of a lot. Friendships, relationships, material things and beliefs. Some things have been easy for me, others have been painful and difficult.
However, I can say that each letting go eventually provided more space. More space for new friendships, views and insights, more space for relationship with myself and more time for what really makes me happy.
I don't mean to speak ill of the past, quite the opposite. I firmly believe that every relationship or friendship I had and every activity I pursued was a kind of mirror of my then self. Some was beneficial and enriching, some wonderful and meaningful, some wild and destructive.
So if the focus on a counterpart or a task falls away, only I myself remain.
Me with all my old patterns, my talent to knock down a wall with my head and bake grandiose cakes, my way of sometimes mindlessly throwing things at the people around me, my devotion to stubbornness, my structured headlessness, my love of wild chaos and at the same time the search for calm.
Still, I sit quietly and drink my now cold coffee. I realize that everything was good, just as it was. Certainly it is not always easy, but when I look at my life now, I see a lot of joy, wonderful people around me, a healthy body with sometimes funny motifs on it, a family that regularly drives me crazy and that I love so incredibly at the same time, an apartment of about ten square meters, wonderful, in the middle of Zurich, all to myself, a love that makes my heart leap and at the same time come to rest, above all the certainty that somehow, sometime and in sometimes so unexpected ways, everything will be fine.
With a little courage and maybe one Louis Vuitton bag less.